This Precious Life

Last Saturday, I took a full day course on “Learning to Comfort those who Mourn”. I sat for it because I remembered how I was at a loss for words in Sichuan after the earthquake had taken many lives, leaving many mourning in front of me. If I were to go to a disaster zone again, I would want to know what to say.

It turned out to be a really good course that had been put together by a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a few pastors who had cared for many orphans and widows. It was taught by a husband and wife couple, both of whom had experienced great loss in their own lives.

During the course, the teacher told us about an incident he witnessed at a funeral. When the last nail was driven into the coffin, the widow ran forward to hug the coffin and speak to her late husband. However, her sisters pulled her back. They said, “It’s okay, you will be okay. Don’t get too emotional, you will scare the children.”

Although the sisters meant well, the teacher said that those who are broken-hearted need the space to complete their “unfinished business” with the deceased. If they have last words to say to the deceased, let them say for as long as they want, otherwise, they may carry a bitter baggage in their hearts for a long time.

Back home, I thought of Ching Ming, an All Souls Day that is celebrated by pagan Chinese. One of the customary rite on this day is the burning of gifts made of paper for the deceased. The Chinese hope that these gifts would transform into the real thing upon being burnt, and be posted and delivered to the deceased wherever his soul may be.

I wonder if this custom could have started a long time ago because someone was looking for a way to deal with “unfinished business.” The paper gifts take the place of last words that should have been said but were pent up and stifled.

Words like,

“I’m sorry father, for making you feel ashamed that we were poor. You were just a hawker. You gave everything that you earned to us, yet I demanded more and rejected you when you couldn’t buy the shoes that I wanted. Here is untold wealth, father, for you.”

“Mama, you would bang your pots and pans in the kitchen to cook dinner every evening but I never made the time to sit with you and enjoy your food. I always had a date to go to. But now you are gone and all I want is to eat at the same table with you.”

“We used to take a family holiday every year. You would drive your old junk car and we would sleep in there contently, waking up only when we’ve reached Cameron. Why did you go Papa? You’ve left us in the lurch. Who will care for us now? Who will drive us for family holidays? How dare you leave us alone?!”

“Daddy, you gave up your life savings for me to be educated. I never had the chance to pay you back.”

It is never good to have unfinished business with our loved ones.

All images from Inju@flickr